A quick Welsh lesion

Welsh is a rich, historical language. It was invented in 1953 by the Welsh comedian and astronomer, Griff Rhys Jones. His basic premise was to confuse American tourists who can barely speak English. As part of the fabrication of Welsh, Griff Rhys Jones wrote the "Teach Yourself: Welsh" book, which is colloquially known as "Tyw," a Welsh word meaning "without a grammar section."

The Welsh language consists of 22 consonants and over a hundred vowels. It is important to distinguish between the "typical English" pronounciation of any vowel, and the actual Welsh pronounciation. In Welsh, the "e" is pronounced like an "e", whereas the "u" is also pronounced like an "e", although closer to the German "ü". The "a" is an "a" unless it has a caret above it, in which case it is pronounced like an "a". "O" is pronounced like a "u", and "y" is either pronounced like an "uh", "i" or "e". "W", being a vowel in Welsh (except when it is a consonant), is pronounced like a "u", being a different "u" to the "u" that "y" is not pronounced like. In addition are certain double-consonantal sounds, some of which do not appear in other languages at all. "Dd" is a voiced "th", "ff" is an unvoiced "v", "ll" involves breathing through your teeth and "bd" is a sound rarely-used even by the most expert of Welsh speakers. The pronounciation is similar to the "zh" sound in "pleasure", but as it would sound during death by drowning. Many Welsh speakers are of a taciturn disposition.

Welsh grammar is surprisingly simple. In Welsh, there are only nouns and adjectives. Verbs are frowned upon and articles and conjunctions eschewed entirely. So, for example, the sentence "the cat sat on the mat" would actually transliterate from Welsh as "Cat sittingness mat uppermost surface" ("cathi eisteddfod y carped caead"). Past tense is indicated by the word "y," as is possessive, motion-towards, motion-from, position and metaphorical statements. Therefore "it was the best of times; it was the worst of times" could be "Times (past) equivalent fraction best; times (past) equivalent fraction worst" ("Amseriad y rydwyw ffracsiwn gorau; Amseriad y rydwyw ffracsiwn trechu"). No entire book has ever been translated into Welsh, although several prefaces have been managed to date.

As I have already learned from "Tyw," Welsh is applicable in hundreds of everyday situations. It can get you a seat next to a pretty nurse who likes white coffee, or can let you tell people you are from Lincoln (even if you're not: they can't tell the difference!) And soon I hope to be able to announce my desire to try on a white skirt that is hanging in the shop window there, and looks very nice, but it is a little small, do you have one in my size. See what you're missing: why not take up Welsh today?

A few resources for learning Welsh (for the sake of fairness)

It hasn't all been that bad, of course. A wonderful entry-level guide to Welsh (heavy on the grammar but I like that sort of thing) is maintained by Mark Nodine. Also, Dr Geraint Jones has a guide to the Welsh language's history and status which rather puts paid to mine above. Finally, if you really want to, you could do worse than pick up the "phrasebook Welsh" of the "Teach Yourself" guide, actually written by T J Rhys Jones, available from Books Online. The free tape includes a woman that pronounces "pronunciation," "pronounciation."