Impatient

[A therapist's office. Neat and art deco. Dr Inchwold is sat reading a sheaf of notes. There is a knock at the door.] "Come in." [The door opens, and Mrs Glaiverouter comes in. Mrs Glaiverouter is a humorous Northern caricature, with all the primness, self-righteousness and borderline querulousness that that entails. She probably has hairpins.] "Ah, Mrs Glaiverouter. Come in, come in. Why don't you have a seat here?" [indicates enormous leather chair, a parody of typical therapeutic seating.] "Thank you, Doctor." "Mmm. Mmm. Good. So, what appears to be the problem?" "Well, I'm suffering from anxiety attacks. Suffering quite badly, actually. Some days it's terrible bad." "Mmm. Mmm. Let's start with what your GP has passed on to me, hmm? Now you don't seem to be on any medication. He hasn't mentioned anything in your notes.... Hmm?" "No, nothing." "... So no contra-indications there... Mmm. Do you drink, particularly?" "Not much. I don't like drinking much. Not with suffering from these attacks. I have a glass or two on special occasions, but that's the most I drink, really." "Mmm. You don't take anything else?" "Well. Like what?" "Oh, recreational drugs, I suppose. Some people use a little marijuana, but don't like to tell me about it. [blank] Dope. [blank] Hashish. Cannabis." "Doctor! I would never touch such things! Smack cocaine and the like! I never heard of such a notion!" "That's fine, Mrs Glaiverouter. I do apologize. It's not for me to say either way. I have to tell you that the most unusual people turn out to have used recreational drugs at some point in their life, and it can often lead to psychosocial problems later on." "Oh aye?" "Yes, certainly. You must try not to think of moral and legal stigmata in the first instance, once we begin a therapy session together. I have to find out all sorts of-" "Well, I don't." "Mmm. Mmm. I understand, Mrs Glaiverouter. Mmm." [scratching of pencil] "How are your familial relationships? Your parents?" "They've both died now, doctor." "Mmm. I'm sorry. Mmm. And when they were alive?" "... Lovely. They were both very good to me. My father was a queer one, I suppose. But I loved them both." "Queer?" "Quiet. Didn't talk to me much. But he never had a harsh word in his head." "So you had a happy childhood?" "Mostly, yes." "And you get on well with your spouse? Mr Glaiverouter treats you well?" "We're not exactly newlyweds, doctor, but yes, fine. I can't say as we're happy about these attacks, of course, because he worries about them and it affects them as much as me. But we still get on just fine." "Mmm. Stresses at work at all?" "Well, I've had to finish my part time work. I were only really doing it for the pin money in the first place. When I started suffering from anxiety attacks it were difficult to carry on, really." "Mmm. Shame. You couldn't have kept working?" "No. No, I don't think so. I tried it for a couple of weeks and it were too difficult." [more scratching] "... Mmm. Well, Mrs Glaiverouter, now I have some idea about your background, and you've told me about your drinking and, ah, your drinking. Maybe you could tell me more about the nature of these attacks." "Nature?" "What form do these attacks take? What do you feel like?" "..." "How long do they tend to last? Mmm? Do you find something particular starts them off?" "I suffer from them all the time, doctor." "Yes, I understand that, but you're not anxious all the time, are you?" "No! Of course not!" [laughs] "That would be crazy, wouldn't it, doctor?" "Mmm, yes, quite! Although we might be best not using a loaded word like 'crazy', of course. It's important we don't make any kind of judgment at so early a stage in the treatment. So, these attacks?" "Yes, doctor?" "How frequently do you think you have them? When was the last time you had one?" "... I can't remember the last time I had one, doctor." "Mmm. Well, have you had one today?" "No." "The last few days? The past week?" "No." "So quite infrequent then?" "Well, I have the feeling in me all the time. I do suffer, doctor." "Mmm. I'm sure. But we should concentrate on the occurrences of the attacks." "..." "Is there anything in particular that sets off these attacks?" "Sets them off?" "Anything that makes you nervous, at all?" "Well, like I keep telling you, doctor, these attacks make me very nervous indeed." "Yes, Mrs Glaiverouter, we've been through this. But it's important to try and trace the source of your problems-" "Well, it's these attacks-" "Yes, but the source of them is what we're after. I need to establish some sort of cause and effect, you understand. Mmm. Let's try a different tack. How many attacks do you think you've had since you began suffering from them, Mrs Glaiverouter...? A rough figure, Mrs Glaiverouter.... No need for any accuracy here: I just want to get some notion.... Approximately, Mrs Glaiverouter.... Roughly?" "Roughly?" "Roughly." "Roughly, then, doctor, roughly... none." "Mmm ah?" "That I can remember, at any rate." "I'm... I'm sorry, did you just say none?" "Roughly, doctor. I don't have a head for figures, you know. I leave that sort of thing to our Gerald. He did maths in the grammar school, you know." "So you've had no attacks at all?" "I do suffer from them all the time." "But no attacks?" "Some days I feel like I'm suffering from morning till night." "Not one?" "Well... no. Not that I can remember." "Are you seriously telling me, Mrs Glaiverouter, that you've never had a single attack?" "... Suffering all the time-" "Not one attack? Never? You say you suffer from these attacks but you've never had a single one? Ever?" "No." "Right, Mrs Glaiverouter, well, I think it's best if we conclude our therapy here. I will mention to your GP that there seems to be no long-term problems in your case, and suggest perhaps a little bed rest-" "But, doctor!" "-and if you could mention to Miss Woofrigg on the way out that you will not be needing another appointment-" [begins to gesture towards door] "-then that would be-" "Doctor, please! These attacks!" "Mrs Glaiverouter, please, with all due respect: what attacks? What attacks are we talking about here? You have just admitted that, as far as you can remember, you have never had a single attack!" "Doctor!" "Look, please, Mrs Glaiverouter. I think it's best if you see your GP some time next week—I'll ask him to make you an appointment—and if he thinks it necessary he can prescribe a mild-" "Doctor!" "What?" "I feel anxious, doctor." "Oh, come now, Mrs Glaiverouter. I think we've been through this, haven't we? I think it's probably best if you go home now." [manhandles towards door] "You're making me terribly anxious, doctor. I don't feel well. I, oh, I'm all of a flutter. I think I will have to sit down. Oh, lawks." [falls back into chair, and fans self] "... I, uh, oh. Mrs Glaiverouter, you're trembling. Good heavens, your pulse. Oh, goodness gracious me. Mrs Glaiverouter, I'm most terribly sorry. Just relax, there, Mrs Glaiverouter.... You've gone terribly pale. Can I get you anything?" [breathes heavily] "A glass of water might help, doctor. It might help." "Yes, of course." [into speakerphone] "Miss Woofrigg, can you bring us some drinking water? I would appreciate it if you could see your way to, ah-" [door opens. Miss Woofrigg enters with glass of water. Mrs Glaiverouter drinks] "Thank you, Miss Woofrigg." [Miss Woofrigg leaves] "I really am most awfully sorry, Mrs Glaiverouter. I do believe we've been working at crossed purposes all this time, Mrs Glaiverouter. Now I can see your symptoms at first hand, it's quite clear-" "Attacks, doctor. Anxiety attacks." "Yes, yes, you're quite right. Perhaps we can make the best of a bad job, then. I must apologize again if I provoked this attack at all. I hope you don't consider me unprofessional for my outburst. I really must say I regret-" "That's, that's fine, doctor-" "Good of you to say so. Well, now we have a common idea of the form that an attack takes, then maybe we can discuss them more clearly?" "Oh, I see! What I just had: that was what you were referring to? I do apologize, doctor. I must admit you quite confused me back then. I do get easily confused." "Mmm, yes, as do we all, Mrs Glaiverouter. So perhaps we can talk about those sorts of symptoms, and their prior occurrences? Hmm?" "Well, if you think it will do some good, doctor." "Mmm, I'm sure of it. So the attack you've just had: can you give me some indication of how often you suffer from those symptoms? How many times do you think you've had an anxiety at- has that sort of thing happened?" "... How many times?" "Yes, let's say recently. How many of those episodes have you had? No need to be precise. Roughly speaking." "Roughly speaking?" "Roughly." "Including just now?" "Including, yes, that particular attack." "Roughly?" "Mmm." [Mrs Glaiverouter looks up, counting.] "One."